Marriage is a rewarding and great engagement, marriage is not an engagement of constants, it has different seasons and has a common trend that is seen in almost all marriages.
This is an excerpt from our book, MOTO MOTO COUPLE, written for the married, to help them appreciate and navigate their marriage. The book is also written for the yet-to-marry, whether single or in a relationship, to help them walk into the future prepared. Lack of preparedness has led many to mess up their good marriage.
1. “The honeymoon phase”
This is when everything is exciting, the sex is great and in plenty. The warm feelings are at their peak and marriage is blissful
2. “The best couple phase”
You two feel like you are the best couple in the world, you hold hands in public, you have photos of the two of you as profile pictures, you encourage the unmarried to marry and even wonder why they are taking so much time, they should marry quickly and feel as good as you two do.
3. “The coming home early phase”
You come home to your spouse early, you fulfill all your promises, and you spend quality time as a married couple
4. “The let’s make a baby phase”
You’ve had amazing sex and want to take it to a deeper level. When you talk about baby names, the sex gets more intense and purposeful. For some, being barren or not being able to get a child can bring tension. Prepare each other by talking about real issues, knowing that children are a gift from God not a right in marriage. Whether you have your biological children or not, your marriage is complete
5. “The overwhelming phase”
Here responsibilities surge, the baby comes with responsibilities, and you have the same 24 hours but more on your plate. If you both were not ready for the baby you get drained. The overwhelming nature is not just because of children but life issues too. This phase is worse when you have a spouse who is lazy, irresponsible, harsh, bossy, selfish or inconsiderate. To manage this, communicate, share roles
6. ‘The I need my space phase”
You want time out, each time you see your spouse you are reminded of responsibilities, you don’t spend as much quality time together. Protect your marriage in this phase by accepting that you both are working hard and you both need occasional relief; don’t drive each other up the wall, this is the best phase to find laughter and acceptance in each other
7. “The other voices phase”
You start listening more to your parents, your friends, opinions of others but your spouse’s voice and opinion shrinks in importance. You read magazines on marriage and begin to doubt your marriage is OK. You two start reading from different scripts and being pulled apart. Guard your marriage in this phase by remembering you two are one, you are married to your spouse not to the outsiders. Even if your spouse is on the wrong or not mature enough in an issue, your spouse should not feel betrayed and that you value more what others say than his/her contribution, or you are siding with others
8. “The spending less hours phase”
You come home late, giving excuses why you won’t be home, telling lies about your plans because you know if you tell your spouse what you are really doing it will get you in trouble. You spend more time with friends; wrong friends mislead you, the wrong friends are either not married or are not happy in their marriage or are messing up their marriage; and now you are helping them to mess up your marriage. Guard your marriage by keeping off lies and having your priorities in order. Keep only friends that support your marriage. Spend adequate time with your spouse, not because it is exciting but because it is the right thing to do; make that right thing exciting. Time together is the garden in which marriage grows
9. “The broken promises phase”
You let your spouse down and feel no remorse, you are taking each other casually. Never lose value in each other, who we value we value the words we speak to. You wouldn’t break the promise you make to the President; the spouse you made a vow to when you got married is more important than the President
10. “The less sex phase”
Sex is boring. At first, the lack of sex was a reason to worry, but now you are used to it, a sign of how tasteless and passionless your marriage has become yet your bodies are still young. Protect your marriage in this season by knowing the value of sex, when there is a vacuum you are encouraging your spouse to fantasize someone else, or to turn to pornography. You want your spouse to remain faithful to you, so make it easy for your spouse to be faithful. Get your groove back, spice things up, get naughty, experiment away from the same old sex routines
11. “The fault finding phase”
Somehow you just seem to notice the wrongs and mistakes in each other than all the good done over the years. You both become defensive and aggressive. Handle this by remembering you are in the same team. Develop a habit of praising each other more than you correct each other.
12. “The marriage is hard work phase”
Now you are cautioning the unmarried about marriage, you see marriage as this uphill task. But don’t lose sight of the beauty of love, don’t stop being in love with each other
13. “The back-to-back storms phase”
One challenge after another comes upon your marriage, but the truth is challenges have always been there, it’s just that you two are noticing them more because your focus is on the problems rather than riding on the problems to make your marriage stronger
14. “The complaining phase”
You start being unhappy, nothing is ever good enough. Watch out, nothing good comes out of complaining. Don’t be a nag. Complaining makes your spouse avoid you and resent you
15. “The I need a release phase”
This is where some turn to alcohol and drugs, they smoke alot, run to strip clubs, drown in porn, and take vacations without their nagging spouse. Don’t let marriage be the source of stress and frustration, marriage ought to be a blessing.
16. “The trusted outsider phase”
You start leaning on a new connection, you pour out your emotions on this new connection. You feel someone in this world understands you but it is wrong because that new connection is distracting you from your spouse, as long as your emotional needs are met outside you will not put effort into the spouse you have inside
17. “The riding solo phase”
You no longer involve your spouse in your decisions, you have boundaries between you two. Your money is your money, your time is your time, your life is your life; no us or we. Your spouse could be sinking but you are indifferent. Never stop being a team
18. “The grass is greener on the other side phase”
You admire other people’s marriages and trash your own. Guard your marriage from this by understanding that every marriage has its own journey and that marriage is what you two make it. You can have an amazing or an average or a pathetic marriage, it’s all up to you two
19. ‘The temptations phase”
The attraction is so enticing outside. You are tired of the marriage. You flirt with others, you have an affair. You are lured not to care about your marriage. Even if you don’t sexually cheat, you are tempted to quit your marriage. Remember that temptations are only for a moment, they look like the easy way out to your happiness but lead to regret, think of the bigger picture, not the enticement of now
20. “The rock bottom phase”
Your marriage is on the verge of collapse, things can’t get any lower. You wonder how a marriage that started on such a high can reach this low. Remember that the low will not last, too many miss out on what is coming next because they are impatient
21. “The comeback phase”
You two get a wake-up call, you man up and woman up. You two realize just how much you mean to each other and need each other. You become pro-active in your comeback, you are no longer victims of circumstance but co-drive your marriage by your own terms and vision and not at the mercy of what life brings you. A comeback will not happen when only one of you believes in it and puts effort
22. “The glory phase”
Things work out, teamwork returns, and fire is back. You enjoy marriage, you are growing and glowing
23. “The deeper love phase”
Love gets a deeper meaning, you see each other in a higher light. You will do anything for that spouse who has walked with you through good and bad. Your love is unshakable and unquestionable. Love is you two; tried and tested, purified
24. ‘The better me, better us phase”
You look at yourself and see how much you have changed for the better, and your positive growth impacts positively on the marriage. This is where family empires blossom, you two are a powerful force, you’ve been through it all, and nothing can defeat you. You are more prayerful and purposeful, with stronger backs and wiser minds.
25. “The marriage works phase”
You are advocates of marriage, marriage is too sweet and you wish the joy in your marriage for everyone. You two are a living example of what a successful marriage looks like. No longer do you say ‘Marriage is hard work’ you say ‘Marriage works’ and you’re speaking from experience
26. “The Golden Years phase”
You two are now gliding and soaring high. You age gracefully, happy, people admire you. You are living life to the full together, sometimes acting like teenagers in your already stable life despite your age. Life is good, no stress, no struggle; and the best part is you have a companion who knows you in and out
27. “The reaping phase”
You sit back and relax as you enjoy and witness the fruits of your marriage coming to bless you. If you had children they are grown wanting a marriage like yours and making you proud, your investments return a hundredfold, the lives you touched bring you joy and honour, and you hold hands and say ‘We did that!’
